Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

During Christmas season, I receive a TON of emails with heartfelt stories, poems and cards filled with Christmas spirit. Some are nice, some I've seen last year (and the year before that, and the year before THAT) and some are just annoying. This one made me laugh. This was definitely an original and I'm hoping you enjoy it as much as I did.


Jose Cuervo Christmas Cookies

1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 cup nuts
2 cups of dried fruit
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila

Sample the Cuervo to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one peastoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Cuervo is still ok, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick the frigging fruit off the floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaters just pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who geeves a sheet. Check the Jose Cuervo. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the wishdasher.

Cherry Mistmas!

Things I thought as a child

Oftentimes, I think about how life looks and feels different as an adult when compared to what it was like when you were a child. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life was so much easier (and MUCH less stressful) when I was younger. I didn't know what was going on in third world countries. Wars didn't bother me because I never saw the violence and never heard about the casualties. Christmas was the best day of the year (no question), and a little hug and a kiss made all my troubles (and boo-boos) go away.

Recently, I've started to think about the things that I know now that I didn't understand before. I would laugh at myself thinking "how could you think that?" It just reminds me how differently children may view things. Mentally, I started a list a few months ago of things that I thought when I was a child. Most of them were obvious misinterpretations of things and I took many things literally. Some of them are silly, some of them are weird and some of them simply just make you want to say "what?"

• "Drinking and Driving" meant drinking any type of liquid while driving. I think I've only told this story once. My mom was drinking coffee (I think) and we were heading off to church. I was sitting in the front seat of our van. We passed an anti-drinking billboard saying "Don't Drink and Drive" and added something about how it's against the law. I remember my reaction to this billboard. I turned to my mom and I told her "You're in trouble! You can't drink and drive!" She was busy driving so she didn't bother to explain what it meant. She just said "No, it doesn't mean normal drinks." I didn't understand what that meant. A little while later we arrived at church, and I was still bothered by my mother "drinking" and driving. There was a group of people talking (to this day, I still can't remember who) and I brought up drinking and driving. They all agreed that it was a very bad thing to do and told me to never do it. Then I announced "my mom drinks and drives." I was crushed and I almost didn't notice my mother's reaction. Needless to say, she was very embarrassed and it wasn't until later that I found out what "drinking and driving" actually meant!
• Chicken pox was an itchy disease spread by chickens if you played with them too much (Yes, I know... what?)
• Washington DC was the capital of Washington state
• Alaska was way down south of America right next to Hawaii exactly like the map shows instead of up next to Canada
• Hawaii was right next to California instead of way out in the ocean
• The Boston Tea Party was one big fancy party for upper-class citizens (then I felt stupid when I learned all about it in history class during middle school)
• G.I. Joe was a man's name instead of a group of men in the military
• All the superheroes were brothers and sisters (Superman, Spiderman, Batman, etc) (Yes... again, what? In my defense, I never read any of the comic books)
• According to Tom and Jerry, cats and dogs (and cats and mice) CANNOT be friends. I remember the initial shock of seeing a neighbor's dog and cat that were very best friends
• Goofy was some kind of mutant (but cute and friendly) mouse instead of a dog
• After seeing The Little Mermaid, I believed that there were real mermaids out in the ocean, and I wanted to become one
• I was amazed at how anything and everything you ate (no matter the color) always came out brown
• Blue moons meant that we'd have a real blue moon. I kept my eyes out for a blue moon for a long time but never saw one :(

The list could go on, but a long list would only reveal just how clueless I was. Right now, I'm wondering what else is out there that I haven't discovered yet!

What's Your Sign?

The lamest pick-up line heard around the nation is making its way onto my blog. But don't fret - this is the last you'll hear of it (from me, at least). Somehow "What's your sign?" evolved from a pick-up line (that may or may not have worked) to a running joke. Along with "Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all night!", "what's your sign" has been cast as the universal language for geeks (or college freshmen) chasing after the woman they'll never get...and I thought that this would be the only way I'd hear about it.

I decided to look up my Horoscope for today...

You can tell that things are a little different today -- but you might not be
able to put your finger on it. Let your subconscious investigate for the time
being -- things are going to get even more interesting soon!

I don't have any insights on what that might mean, but I don't really care. Maybe today's different because it's Monday, not Sunday.

Anyway... the other day, I had a conversation with someone about birthdays. He was looking me up on Facebook and noticed my birthday. Coincidentally, our birthdays are less than a month apart - which meant that we were both Tauruses. "Ah, Tauruses - perfect match, don't you think?" (or something along the lines)... Whether that was a pick-up line or not - that's the least of my cares right now - that actually made me think.

People either believe in Astrology or they do not. I've seen people check magazines and newspapers to see what the horoscope was for the day. I had a friend who would read the Astrology page to see if her day would be good or bad. I always thought that was funny - allowing what someone says on a newspaper page shape your day.

Have you noticed? Astrology is "carefully" an art. What I mean by carefully is that the "predictions" are both positive and negative. It is neither straightforward nor too abstract. Astrology will say that you're going to have an obstacle but you will triumph. Yeah - an obstacle could be a red light on my way to work, right? Maybe not.

People who read Astrology also believe in what they say about who they will get along with best and who are supposed to be their mortal enemies. People will make decisions about you, your personality, likes & dislikes based on your birthday. How about that? They also decide who you're supposed to spend the rest of your life with.

Astrology lists your strengths and weaknesses along with what you're like personality-wise, how you handle problems/stress, etc... When you really think about it - any of the signs could apply to ANYBODY. How you've lived your life, what your family's like, your socio-economic background, etc all determines who you are, not what Astrology says....

So if anybody asks me what my sign is, I'll kick him in the nutz.