Things I thought as a child

Oftentimes, I think about how life looks and feels different as an adult when compared to what it was like when you were a child. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life was so much easier (and MUCH less stressful) when I was younger. I didn't know what was going on in third world countries. Wars didn't bother me because I never saw the violence and never heard about the casualties. Christmas was the best day of the year (no question), and a little hug and a kiss made all my troubles (and boo-boos) go away.

Recently, I've started to think about the things that I know now that I didn't understand before. I would laugh at myself thinking "how could you think that?" It just reminds me how differently children may view things. Mentally, I started a list a few months ago of things that I thought when I was a child. Most of them were obvious misinterpretations of things and I took many things literally. Some of them are silly, some of them are weird and some of them simply just make you want to say "what?"

• "Drinking and Driving" meant drinking any type of liquid while driving. I think I've only told this story once. My mom was drinking coffee (I think) and we were heading off to church. I was sitting in the front seat of our van. We passed an anti-drinking billboard saying "Don't Drink and Drive" and added something about how it's against the law. I remember my reaction to this billboard. I turned to my mom and I told her "You're in trouble! You can't drink and drive!" She was busy driving so she didn't bother to explain what it meant. She just said "No, it doesn't mean normal drinks." I didn't understand what that meant. A little while later we arrived at church, and I was still bothered by my mother "drinking" and driving. There was a group of people talking (to this day, I still can't remember who) and I brought up drinking and driving. They all agreed that it was a very bad thing to do and told me to never do it. Then I announced "my mom drinks and drives." I was crushed and I almost didn't notice my mother's reaction. Needless to say, she was very embarrassed and it wasn't until later that I found out what "drinking and driving" actually meant!
• Chicken pox was an itchy disease spread by chickens if you played with them too much (Yes, I know... what?)
• Washington DC was the capital of Washington state
• Alaska was way down south of America right next to Hawaii exactly like the map shows instead of up next to Canada
• Hawaii was right next to California instead of way out in the ocean
• The Boston Tea Party was one big fancy party for upper-class citizens (then I felt stupid when I learned all about it in history class during middle school)
• G.I. Joe was a man's name instead of a group of men in the military
• All the superheroes were brothers and sisters (Superman, Spiderman, Batman, etc) (Yes... again, what? In my defense, I never read any of the comic books)
• According to Tom and Jerry, cats and dogs (and cats and mice) CANNOT be friends. I remember the initial shock of seeing a neighbor's dog and cat that were very best friends
• Goofy was some kind of mutant (but cute and friendly) mouse instead of a dog
• After seeing The Little Mermaid, I believed that there were real mermaids out in the ocean, and I wanted to become one
• I was amazed at how anything and everything you ate (no matter the color) always came out brown
• Blue moons meant that we'd have a real blue moon. I kept my eyes out for a blue moon for a long time but never saw one :(

The list could go on, but a long list would only reveal just how clueless I was. Right now, I'm wondering what else is out there that I haven't discovered yet!

Deciding What's Important

I actually started this post two days ago... having the kids around after being gone for 5 weeks is hectic. I spend all day trying to entertain them. When I'm not entertaining them, they are kind enough to inform me by sticking by my side everywhere I go. They have even formed a habit of following me into the bathroom. How annoying is that!? By the time they are in bed, I am at the point of where I just want to sit on the couch and do nothing. I spend most of my evenings watching TV and movies now - because there's no way I can do that during the day. Thank God for DVR.

The kids are gone for the evening. I have an early morning and didn't want to make it any earlier than it is so I decided to drop them off at the baby sitter's tonight. Even though my hands are aching (I messed them up a few years ago by typing TONS of papers for my BA degree, and when I spend a tad bit too much on the computer nowadays, my hands let me know), I'm going to use this downtime to finally write.

I've been thinking about the last 7 years of my life lately... pretty much since my daughter was born. I became a mother fresh out of high school, but that never stopped me from going to school. I was determined to prove everyone wrong when they said I wouldn't make it. I vowed to never become a statistic. The last 7 years of my life was pretty much being a student and a full-time mom/wife. I have worked a total of 6 jobs in my entire life. Only one of them was full-time and that only lasted for 2 months before I was laid off. All other jobs were either short-term or only required me to do data entry a few hours a month. That's hardly a job.

Now that schooling is over, there is no job at the moment and I've downgraded from full-time mom/wife to just a full-time mom (working overtime) - I've thought about what I should be considering. Job hunting has taken a toll on me. I submitted TONS of applications when I completed my BA degree and received my TX certificate. There's only about 1,000 paralegals in the state of Texas that hold a certificate - and I'm one of them. That oughta land me a job, right? Soon enough, I found out that having a BA and a certificate means nothing if you don't have experience. But - that's a whole 'nother story. I allowed myself to feel down for a while, picked myself back up and went back to school to get a teaching degree. Surely, I'll have an easier time finding a job then, right?

I've looked for various part-time jobs over the last few years, but never seriously pursued anything for lack of interest and motivation. I had a means to pay my bills so why drain myself? So... school's over so it's time to get a job.

When I look at the last 7 years of my life, I spent a lot of it just playing around. I was at home all the time, played lots of computer games and watched TV (in between running errands, taking care of kids, and cleaning house). I suppose I could continue this way of life - but frankly, I've had enough. It's time for me to work and to contribute to society.

I've sent in applications to at least 5 school districts around Houston. I've had two job interviews. I didn't get the first job and a decision hasn't been made yet at the 2nd district.... I've started to wonder now - maybe I should look elsewhere.

Moving to another city/state is scary. Many times, I have told myself and many others that I would never leave Houston. It's my home - always has been and always will be. If things didn't work out here, I'd just be moving in with some other people and living a different (that means poor) life. Anything just to stay in Houston.

However, I've recently started to think.... I need my sanity and I need to feel that I'm worth something. That means I need to work. Does that mean I will have to move? Only time will tell.....

An Unexpected Dinner

Last night, I encountered an unexpected surprise. Well, aren't all surprises unexpected? Surprises are fun - especially when I don't know it's coming. I'm not one to wait patiently during Christmas season or when it comes to a planned surprise. Whenever someone tells me, "I have a surprise for you," I will want to know right away. I have absolutely NO patience when it comes to waiting for surprises. That's why it's best whenever you have a surprise for me, don't tell me. And that's exactly what my friends did.

My birthday was on the 22nd. I did not plan on doing anything during the week, but I did want a small get-together with a few friends on Saturday just to hang out. J said he was going to take me out to one of my favorite restaurants for my birthday on Friday. Although I wasn't expecting anything, I started to look forward to it. On Wednesday, he asked me "why don't we go tonight instead?" Later, he ended up saying "let's just go tomorrow." I thought, "ok... whatever."

Wednesday night before going home, J asked if we were still going to Escalante's. I said, sure... and didn't think anything about it at all. Thursday, he came over and asked "you still want to go to Escalante's?" Again, I said "sure" and well, I thought it was a little weird... I'm not the type to change my mind often and I consider myself very laid back and easygoing so I was wondering why he kept asking. But - I didn't begin to suspect anything.

On the way to the restaurant, J was on his sidekick often. That was unusual. When he's around me, he doesn't touch his sidekick for hours. Sending messages back and forth was pretty unusual for him. Assuming it was work (maybe some issues) or about his dad, I casually asked if everything was alright. He threw me off when he said "oh, I just have headache." But again, that didn't tip me off. I just thought he didn't want to tell me what was going on. I was really curious but didn't want to press him.

Things started to get really weird when we got to the restaurant. We go in and ask for a table for two. Jon says he has to go to the bathroom. That isn't unusual, he's a lean mean peeing machine. Always peeing! But what really bugged me is that he went the wrong way. I thought he was just an idiot and didn't know where the bathroom was. I ALMOST chased after him to tell him he was going the wrong way. After a while, he came back and said... "I have a really cool picture I wanna show you in the bathroom! Come look!" I thought to myself, boy - he's a moron. A cool picture in the bathroom? AND the bathroom is the other way.

I didn't want to argue and just followed him. I didn't see anything until he stepped away and pointed to the table. I saw 4 friends sitting at a round table with two empty chairs. Two balloons were tied to a chair, two cards and a chocolate cake in the middle of the table. I was SHOCKED.

I enjoyed the evening. I ate really good food and chatted with friends. It had been a long time since we were all together in one place so it was really nice to have that. You know what? Another really cool thing is - I got an awesome PINK card! Thanks P!

I'll remember this birthday for a long time. Thanks for making it memorable!

Day One of Unemployment

Today's the first day of the rest of my life. I often wonder what that really means to people when they say that. Obviously, it means starting over and today's the day of new beginnings. Tomorrow's a new day and so is the day after that. Theoretically, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life also - and the day after that, and the day after that and so on. All in all, that sounds really nice - being able to start a new day everyday (and starting over) but many of us don't even realize the chance we're given to begin a new day. Granted, sometimes I'm just tired of living. Tired of having to wake up, tired of having to start another day, tired of having to go through the same routine day in and day out. But at the same time, I enjoy life - I can't even bear the thought of dying young.

Anyway, in light of recent events, I'm trying hard to stay positive. I was laid off yesterday (boo-hoo). Work had considerably slowed down and I was going home early everyday. I won't lie, I really enjoyed going home early even though I needed the money. What was I to do? Even though I had known work was pretty bad, I wasn't prepared to hear that my boss was letting go of a lot of people. He had to let off the entire 2nd and 3rd shifts in all departments, 4 from my department and 15 from another department. That's bad. Obviously, I was shocked by the news and pretty upset about it. To be suddenly cut off from my main mean of income, I started to wonder how in the world am I going to pay my bills? My boss apologized over and over and said he expects to have work in about a month. If and when he gets work, he'll definitely call me to go back. I'm not holding my breath though. What if there isn't work to do?

Staying positive does have a unique effect on people when they choose to exercise that attitude. Even though I was miserable and worried all day long, I forced myself to believe that it's not the end of the world. I have another job - a part-time job. So I'm not totally broke. After speaking to tons of contacts and letting them all know I was looking for another job - I applied to 4 places yesterday. Off to a good start....

Even though I still worry, I am liking my new routine. Imagine this: T-minus 10 seconds of commute time...as opposed to an hour in the morning and another hour in the afternoon. I slept in until 9am (after getting my kid off to school, of course), took a couple steps to get some coffee, then another few steps and I was in my "office." I have enough work right now to last me a while so I think I'm safe for now. But it would be nice to have a roommate...

It's nice being back at home again. In the middle of working, I stopped and played with my son for a long while. I watched tv, did laundry and cleaned a little bit while working as well. By the time my daughter came home from school, I was done working and completed most of my chores. I got a little bit of spring cleaning done too.

A friend came over to borrow some books. I had realized that some of my most prized books weren't on any of my bookshelves so I decided to take a look around. I found a box packed full of books that I had read when I was a young girl - from about 3rd grade through middle school. That box held my favorite books. As I was sorting through these books to refresh my memory of what I had, I felt a tug at my heart as I reminisced over the memories of these books. Some of these books still had that fresh book smell and others smelled musty and worn. I love these smells. Right then, I decided I would like to read them all again. As I was looking through my books, my daughter approached me and took an interest in the books. I had an idea and asked her to choose one. Since these books were just a little bit too advanced for her, I told her we'd read these books together.

So I sat down with her and started reading the first book she chose - Sideway Stories from Wayside School. As I was reading with her, I was reminded of yet another positive aspect. While my kids can drive me insane on many days, I get to relieve my childhood through them. How awesome is that?

What to do with a so-called sick child

Not having to work and staying at home everyday sounds like a dream…. until you have a 6 year old and a 2 year old. Some days I’m thankful I get to stay home and be lazy (as much as my son permits). There are days where I’d rather have a job and today was one of these days. There are also days that I feel loved – by my kids and my dog. My dog follows me everywhere. He sits directly next to me or behind me when I’m at my computer. When I back my chair up to get up from the desk, I am often stuck because he’s always in my way. There are some days that it doesn’t bother me. There are some days that it annoys me and today, it annoyed me to no end.

Today, I discovered a new job requirement to being a mother. Outsmarting a 6 year old. I have the craftiest 6 year old on the planet. But I’m craftier. It all began this morning at 7am.

My husband got up to get my daughter off to school. He wakes me up and says “she’s sick.” I said, “ok.” Nothing fishy so far, right? I go back to sleep assuming that since my husband has 6 years of parenting under his belt, he’d know what to do. He comes to me 5 minutes later and says “She threw up.” I said “ok” and went back to sleep. Then, my husband wakes me up again (annoying, right?) and stated “she’s faking.” Again, the most creative comment I could come up with at 7am is “ok.” As I was about to go back to sleep, my husband asked me whether we should let her stay home or make her go to school. Just as I was about to tell him, "make her go to school," I had an idea. I told him to let her stay home. He looked at me like I was crazy. But I had a plan. If my daughter wanted to play, I’d play right along. A little side note: How in the world did a 6 year old make herself throw up?!

After I went back to sleep (early morning does not suit me), my husband decided to keep our daughter in her room. He wasn’t about to let her have fun on her day off, especially after trying to lie about being sick. When I woke up, my daughter became the sweetest little girl in the world. But I wasn’t falling for it. I had a little chat with her about lying and how it hurts people. The typical “yadda yadda” conversation every parent has with a child eventually. I proceeded to tell her to clean her room. If she thought she was going to enjoy being at home, she thought wrong. I was going to make her work – and work hard.

If you have a 6 year old or if you know one, I don’t have to tell you that my daughter’s room was a mess, a true mess. She shares her room with her 2 year old brother so that makes it a double mess. And I was making her clean it all up. When she was done, I made her fold her own laundry and hang her own clothes. Have you ever tried to get a 6 year old to clean that much? It takes them forever and they make excuses – lots of excuses. "Mommy, my tummy hurts." "Mommy, I'm tired." "Mommy, it's too much." My response to each and every one of these? "Ok, go to bed." My daughter does NOT like going to bed, so obviously it worked. When my daughter thought she was done, she would ask for an inspection of her room. It took 3 tries before I decided that her room was clean enough. I even had her vacuum her room.

During all this, I wouldn’t let her have a bite to eat. After all, if she was sick and throwing up, she shouldn’t be eating, right? I think I can say that after today, my daughter will not be faking an illness for a long time to come. I’m sure she’d much rather be at school playing with friends than becoming my personal slave for the day. I'm already coming up with a "To-Do" list the next time she fakes being sick.

During all this, my son would follow my daughter around and screw up whatever she was working on. He’d run through a pile of clothes that my daughter had just folded or he’d start playing with some toys that she had just put away. That was especially fun for me. After a while, I whisked him away and put on his favorite movies.

My son was particularly active today. While my daughter was busy tidying up her clothes, my son was busy messing up his own clothes. He went into his drawer and decided to dress himself. He pulled two shirts on. He put shoes on too– and they didn’t match. And at dinner time, when he was eating corn dogs, he slathered every inch of the corn dogs with ranch and decided to put some in his hair as well. Fun.

And that’s the reason why today, I wished I had a job.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

Over the past couple of years, I developed a really big fear. Fear – that’s a strong word, I think. It’s not the same as just being scared of something. It’s a genuine, profound feeling about something that people don’t like and are afraid of. Usually, when I ask people what their biggest fear is, I get surface answers like heights, spiders and snakes. Sure, I believe that these fears can be warranted. Even though I’m not scared of these things (much), I’m not about to disregard other people’s fears, no matter how silly we may perceive them to be (like clowns and balloons). Usually when I ask someone what their biggest fear is, I want to know what they’re REALLY afraid of.

For the people that really know me, they would know that my biggest fear is death. Dying young, dying before I’m ready and dying a slow, horrible death scares the life out of me (ha-ha). Whenever I hear people talk about phobias and stuff, they usually say “confront your fear!” but the problem is: I can’t. Confronting my fear means dying, I guess. I guess I could come to terms with it, accept that I’ll die eventually – everyone does – but at such a young age, it’s hard to. I can only hope that I die old, really old.

I decided to write this after a late night conversation with a friend. A mutual friend of ours died suddenly. She was more of an acquaintance for me at the time. I met her when I was in high school and we were friends for a couple years. Eventually, we lost touch with each other. She was so young (mid-20’s) and just had a baby girl. She died in her sleep. Spooky.

It’s strange. During the day, it doesn’t cross my mind. I don’t have this huge fear of getting in my car and driving among the millions of crazy drivers in Houston, anticipating a terrible accident. I don’t freak out while swimming anticipating that I’ll drown. Usually, the only time my fear strikes me is late at night, when I’m in bed and can’t sleep.

The human mind can be a scary thing. At night, my mind wanders. I think about many, MANY different things. Most of the inspiration and ideas I get for writing is when I’m laying in bed late at night. Unfortunately, it’s also when I think about death. Do I want to be buried? Do I want to be cremated? What will it like to be in a satin-lined coffin? Will the bugs be able to get in and chew on me? Who will come to my funeral? Will I know that I’m dead?

Really, my biggest fear about dying is that I will cease to exist. I won’t be the first to admit it and I may stand alone on this right now, but I can hardly stand the thought of the world moving on without me. I’m not a huge history buff – I know bits and pieces about different times – some more than others. But what I’m REALLY interested in is what the world will be like in the future. I guess there’s something exciting about the unknown. It allows our minds to be imaginative. And sadly, most of us won’t be around after 50-60 years to see what people have come up with.

So…what’s YOUR biggest fear?