Kitten Tribute to Mario!

As you may already know by now, I'm a fan of Mario and his games. Well, I only like three of them. That's better than zero, I guess. I came across this photo online and decided that I just had to post it!

The Confrontation

Maury: Thank you for joining us today. If you are just tuning in, we are about to get to our last guests for today’s show. Let’s welcome Princess Peach (applause). Thank you for joining us today Princess Peach. What brings you here?

Princess: Well, it all started when I married Mario. He was once my hero but now he’s nothing but a plumber. I don’t think he even works anymore. He’s always going out but I never know what he’s doing or where he's going. Then one day, I fell in love...

Maury: Interesting. With who?

Princess: (swooning) Donkey Kong.

Maury: Didn’t he kidnap you?

Princess: Yep. (Princess flashes a big toothy grin) (crowd gasps)

Maury: I see. Are you still with him?

Princess: Nope. I got bored with him so I moved on. I’m with Boswer now. He’s a total hottie! He’s twice the man Donkey Kong was and 10 times the man Mario will ever be! (audience: ooooohhh!)

Maury: Alright, well let’s bring out Mario, Princess’ husband (applause). Welcome to the show, Mario. Please have a seat.

Mario: Thank you.

Maury: We brought you on the show because Princess has something to tell you. Princess? (nods towards Princess)

Princess: (turns towards Mario) Mario, I have something I need to tell you…Do you remember when I was kidnapped for the first time?

Mario: Yes, why? Did something happen? Did Donkey Kong hurt you? I’m gonna hurt him!

Princess: No. Actually, um, it’s the opposite. He really did kidnap me but towards the end, I wasn’t a hostage anymore. I was staying there on my own free will.

Mario: What are you saying?

Princess: I fell in love with him. I saw him for a couple years after that.

Mario: What?! You’re seeing that loser? Is he here? Bring him out, I want a piece of him!

Princess: Mario, calm down. Actually, I’m not seeing him anymore. I ended it a long time ago. He wasn’t just cutting it for me.

Mario: So that’s what you brought me on the show for? To tell me you had an affair but you’re not having it anymore? What’s the point of all this?

Princess: Actually…..

Mario: (sigh) Oh no.

Princess: I’m seeing someone else now. It’s someone you know.

Mario: No… not my brother Luigi!?

Princess: (giggle) No, not Luigi. It’s Bowser. I’ve been seeing him since before he “kidnapped” me.

Mario: (confused) What do you mean?

Princess: Well, I wasn’t really kidnapped. It was all just a ploy so I could spend a couple of days with him. (Mario is fuming with anger) (audience: oooohhh!)

Maury: Alright, I think it’s time to bring Bowser out. Please welcome Bowser (applause).

(As Bowser comes out, Mario stays in his seat slouched over, arms folded, head down and a very angry expression on his face. Even though he was furious, he knew that he was no match for Bowser. Bowser sits down. Princess is now seated in between Mario and Bowser. Princess flashes Bowser a flirty look.)

Bowser: (smiles) Hey babe.

Maury: Mario, is there anything you have to say to Bowser? After all, he did canoodle with your girl.

Mario: (fuming) How dare you! You think you’re all man? You think you’ve got what it takes to steal my woman --

Bowser: (Interrupting) I think I already did.

(Mario’s face is red and he’s seething. He eats something. He gets taller by a few inches but realizes that he’s still no match for Bowser. He eats something else. Raccoon ears and tail pops out.)

Mario: Here’s news for you – if you were all man, you would have been able to get any girl. But nnooooooo – you had to go for a bimbo. (audience: ooohhhhh!)

Princess: A bimbo!? How dare you insult me like that!

Mario: How do you think I got you in the first place? (audience laughs) How dare you!? After all I've done for you?

Princess: (cries) I couldn’t resist! He’s so big and strong… and handsome! (Becomes angry) And he’s so much better than you! He’s given me attention when I needed it. And in return…. (she smiles and winks)

Mario: Gaahhh!!!!! (covers his ears)

Bowser: (chuckling) That’s right. She wanted a real man. Not someone who has to stand on a stepping stool to reach you-know-what!

(Princess giggles)

Mario: I don’t have to take this! I’m going home! (He quickly runs then flies off the set)

Maury: Well, there you have it folks! Thanks for watching. Be sure to check back later. We'll be sure to feature Mario, Princess and Bowser in our special "Where Are They Now?" segment in a few months. Bye bye!

Continuing the Saga

If you're like me, you're probably wondering where Mario is now and how he's doing after his latest drama with Princess Peach. I tracked him down once again and followed up with him. I found out some very interesting information that I wanted to share with you. Why the curiosity in Mario and the gang, you ask? Well, it's become a running joke between me and a friend. We're both huge fans of Nintendo (ah, the good ol' days!) and Dr. Mario. I absolutely love Super Mario 3.

It all started when we played a really dumb game with a version of Mario in it (see one of my previous posts for a youtube video of the game). It was so hilarious, it sparked a wild imagination in my friend. From there, we came up with a story and went with it. Then it evolved into another story....and probably more stories in the future. As much fun as it is to write them, I can't take all the credit for these "Mario" stories. J came up with the ideas and I spun them into stories.

Anyway, what's been up with Mario? Well, wait until you hear this. Princess brought Mario on one of these insane TV shows that does love triangles, paternity testing and reveals shocking shocking love affairs. Yep, she aired her dirty laundry on national TV! I don't know about you but I'm looking forward to it.

For all you Yoshi and Toadstool fans - have no worries. They're both involved in all this...somehow... Tune in later!

What really happened to Princess Peach

It all started way back in 1981. It was a cold night... no, it was freezing. There was a snowstorm outside and the power was out. Mario was out cleaning someone's pipes (not that kind of pipe, you dork). Princess Peach was sitting at home all alone: shivering, lonely and restless. "Forget Mario, I'm going out to find me a real man!" Princess decided. She bundled up and set foot outside into the world.

All of a sudden, she found herself at the top of a big platform above a series of ladders and other platforms. *Gasp!* She was kidnapped! Why was she held hostage on a platform? Well, think about it. Mario's a short and stout little guy. Although Donkey Kong was supposed to be a stupid ape, he was crafty in putting Princess up high out of Mario's reach. Mario now has to use his climbing skills to rescue his damsel in distress. Uhm, what skills? All he does is slip and slide in and out of hollow pipes (NO! Not that kind of pipe!). Platform after platform, Mario finally rescues Princess and brings her home. Details of the kidnapping are unknown. Rumor has it that Donkey Kong had his way with her.

To avoid publicity, Princess vehemently denied it was her that was kidnapped. Maybe she was embarrassed. Yeah, embarrassed because she liked it. Contrary to popular belief, we know it was you, Princess Peach, who was kidnapped... not some other lady. Fess up!

After having gone through a dramatic series of events, Princess Peach was back at home... a home that was quiet and peaceful. Although, she would soon realize that it wasn't what she wanted. She slowly but surely realized that she actually missed Donkey Kong. She liked the big bad guys. Strong, bad and dumb. Mario was out working late nights again (doesn't that make you go "Hhmmm?" Plumbers don't work late) and Princess was feeling forsaken. It's been so long since she felt like a woman. So... she set out again to find herself a real man: Donkey Kong!

She started meeting with him privately to continue their relationship. Soon, Donkey Kong Jr. came into existence. Whether he belongs to Princess; we’ll never know. Donkey Kong took on a job as a janitor to support Princess, Junior and their expensive hobbies. With a husband working a blue collar job, Princess didn’t want another blue collar dude. She immediately lost interest in Donkey Kong. She’s superficial.

A few months later, Mario was out working again and had to unclog a massive sewer pipe in Bowser’s home. They became friends and Mario invited Bowser home for dinner. As Princess cooked them dinner, Bowser was attracted to her long, blonde hair. Princess was attracted to Bowser’s big and strong body. She started to flirt as she cooked, dropping a utensil here and there so Bowser could get a glimpse of her “good side.” The attraction was unmistakable!

Soon enough, they were arranging clandestine meetings while Mario was away for work. Their relationship developed into something much more intense. A few hours here and there weren’t enough anymore. They wanted a few uninterrupted days together. That’s when Princess came up with the idea of being kidnapped again. The idea of being kidnapped excited Princess. It put a new spin on her growing relationship with Bowser. While she was “kidnapped,” she would spend days at Bowser’s castle. While Mario was running around desperately trying to find his lady in pink, Princess relaxed by the fire pools.

Lucky for Princess and Bowser, Bowser owned 8 castles. They sent Mario on a wild goose chase so that Princess and Bowser could have more time together. Whenever Mario finally made it to a castle, Princess wasn’t ready to greet Mario for 2 reasons. 1 – She wanted more time with Bowser and 2 – She wasn’t dressed.

After a long and hard journey, Mario finally made it to Bowser’s last castle. Lo and behold, there was Princess ever so happy to see Mario (is she really?).

Now, a few more years later, Princess got kidnapped again but this time, by Bowser’s children. Whether they belong to Princess; we’ll never know. Poor Mario. He had to endure the tribulations of getting to 8 castles again. He couldn’t possibly understand just why Princess was being kidnapped again and again! But we all know why, don’t we?

The moral of the story: Mario – open your eyes! For the past 20-something years, Princess has been unfaithful to you. Next time Princess gets kidnapped, don’t go looking for her. I hear she’s got a cute cousin stashed somewhere.

America's Sweetheart

We all love him. We have gone on many adventures right alongside Mario and his brother, Luigi, and helped them battle the meanies of Mushroom Kingdom. A few weeks ago, I went on yet another adventure with Mario and a couple of my friends. While on this escapade, my friend (let’s call him “J”) and I noticed that Mario’s not acting quite like himself. He was acting very peculiar. See, whenever he bumped into something, he hopped around like a pitiful, goofy…something. Yes, “something.” It was so disturbing that I can’t even put it into words..

To really experience Mario’s sad transformation, please check this video out. Although this video is about 3:42 minutes long, you only need to watch a few seconds of it. Scroll ahead to 3:20 and watch about 5 seconds. http://youtube.com/watch?v=eood0Yh1_ng

This image really stuck in J’s head. I guess J was starting to feel sorry for Mario, although it was kind of hard to tell. I took it upon myself to sit down with Mario and have a heart-to-heart with him to really get to know him. After all, there’s not much time to talk while we’re battling Boswer and his clan.

M: So Mario, here we are. After many years of fighting alongside each other (and others), we finally have a chance to sit down and talk. Tell us about yourself; let us know what makes you tick.
Mario: Um, sure.

M: What’s your favorite food?
Mario: Mushrooms. They make me big. Kind of like how spinach works for Popeye.

M: Interesting. Here’s something that everyone wants to know. What made you leave your plumbing occupation? We hardly ever see you at work.
Mario: Well, have you ever seen a plumbing tool belt on me? It’s very unflattering. Besides, Princess is taking up all my time. You know how it is.

M: Actually, I don’t. Tell us about your relationship with Princess.
Mario: Do I have to? It’s the same as everyone else’s, really. Damsel-in-distress equals knight-in-shining-armor. That’s me. Having to rescue a girl all the time is very time consuming, very exhausting and emotionally draining. Just ask Prince Charming or Shrek. *mutters* Maybe it’s time I traded Yoshi in for a white horse. I gather I’ll be able to travel more efficiently.

M: Tell us about your education.
Mario: Well, I have a BS in Plumbing, an MA in Damsel-Saving and a PhD in Pharmacy.

M: Wow, a pharmacist. What made you decide to go down that path?
Mario: I didn’t want to. Someone thought it would be funny to make me a Doctor and force me supervise millions of people who wanted to play with colored pills. *sigh* Idiots.

M: Tell us about your brother, Luigi. Out of the two of you, who’s older?
Mario: Bah, Luigi? Who cares? I’m the oldest.

M: Where do you two live?
Mario: Um, Brooklyn, New York.

M: One last question, what happened in Wrecking Crew ’98? You seemed like you were in a lot of pain.
Mario: Oh, that. I just stubbed my toe.

There you have it, folks. While Mario is shy and quiet, he can also be a very complex person. I actually think I caught him at a bad time. Word is that Princess just got kidnapped again. Although he claims that he stubbed his toe, J and I know better. See, everyone has to know that when your significant other is always being kidnapped, it’s going put some undue stress on you. It was just a matter of time before Mario snapped.

I offer my heartfelt, sincere apology to Mario and Princess for the undue stress we’ve put them through. I am begging on the behalf of Mario: PLEASE stop kidnapping Princess!