What really happened to Princess Peach

It all started way back in 1981. It was a cold night... no, it was freezing. There was a snowstorm outside and the power was out. Mario was out cleaning someone's pipes (not that kind of pipe, you dork). Princess Peach was sitting at home all alone: shivering, lonely and restless. "Forget Mario, I'm going out to find me a real man!" Princess decided. She bundled up and set foot outside into the world.

All of a sudden, she found herself at the top of a big platform above a series of ladders and other platforms. *Gasp!* She was kidnapped! Why was she held hostage on a platform? Well, think about it. Mario's a short and stout little guy. Although Donkey Kong was supposed to be a stupid ape, he was crafty in putting Princess up high out of Mario's reach. Mario now has to use his climbing skills to rescue his damsel in distress. Uhm, what skills? All he does is slip and slide in and out of hollow pipes (NO! Not that kind of pipe!). Platform after platform, Mario finally rescues Princess and brings her home. Details of the kidnapping are unknown. Rumor has it that Donkey Kong had his way with her.

To avoid publicity, Princess vehemently denied it was her that was kidnapped. Maybe she was embarrassed. Yeah, embarrassed because she liked it. Contrary to popular belief, we know it was you, Princess Peach, who was kidnapped... not some other lady. Fess up!

After having gone through a dramatic series of events, Princess Peach was back at home... a home that was quiet and peaceful. Although, she would soon realize that it wasn't what she wanted. She slowly but surely realized that she actually missed Donkey Kong. She liked the big bad guys. Strong, bad and dumb. Mario was out working late nights again (doesn't that make you go "Hhmmm?" Plumbers don't work late) and Princess was feeling forsaken. It's been so long since she felt like a woman. So... she set out again to find herself a real man: Donkey Kong!

She started meeting with him privately to continue their relationship. Soon, Donkey Kong Jr. came into existence. Whether he belongs to Princess; we’ll never know. Donkey Kong took on a job as a janitor to support Princess, Junior and their expensive hobbies. With a husband working a blue collar job, Princess didn’t want another blue collar dude. She immediately lost interest in Donkey Kong. She’s superficial.

A few months later, Mario was out working again and had to unclog a massive sewer pipe in Bowser’s home. They became friends and Mario invited Bowser home for dinner. As Princess cooked them dinner, Bowser was attracted to her long, blonde hair. Princess was attracted to Bowser’s big and strong body. She started to flirt as she cooked, dropping a utensil here and there so Bowser could get a glimpse of her “good side.” The attraction was unmistakable!

Soon enough, they were arranging clandestine meetings while Mario was away for work. Their relationship developed into something much more intense. A few hours here and there weren’t enough anymore. They wanted a few uninterrupted days together. That’s when Princess came up with the idea of being kidnapped again. The idea of being kidnapped excited Princess. It put a new spin on her growing relationship with Bowser. While she was “kidnapped,” she would spend days at Bowser’s castle. While Mario was running around desperately trying to find his lady in pink, Princess relaxed by the fire pools.

Lucky for Princess and Bowser, Bowser owned 8 castles. They sent Mario on a wild goose chase so that Princess and Bowser could have more time together. Whenever Mario finally made it to a castle, Princess wasn’t ready to greet Mario for 2 reasons. 1 – She wanted more time with Bowser and 2 – She wasn’t dressed.

After a long and hard journey, Mario finally made it to Bowser’s last castle. Lo and behold, there was Princess ever so happy to see Mario (is she really?).

Now, a few more years later, Princess got kidnapped again but this time, by Bowser’s children. Whether they belong to Princess; we’ll never know. Poor Mario. He had to endure the tribulations of getting to 8 castles again. He couldn’t possibly understand just why Princess was being kidnapped again and again! But we all know why, don’t we?

The moral of the story: Mario – open your eyes! For the past 20-something years, Princess has been unfaithful to you. Next time Princess gets kidnapped, don’t go looking for her. I hear she’s got a cute cousin stashed somewhere.