America's Sweetheart

We all love him. We have gone on many adventures right alongside Mario and his brother, Luigi, and helped them battle the meanies of Mushroom Kingdom. A few weeks ago, I went on yet another adventure with Mario and a couple of my friends. While on this escapade, my friend (let’s call him “J”) and I noticed that Mario’s not acting quite like himself. He was acting very peculiar. See, whenever he bumped into something, he hopped around like a pitiful, goofy…something. Yes, “something.” It was so disturbing that I can’t even put it into words..

To really experience Mario’s sad transformation, please check this video out. Although this video is about 3:42 minutes long, you only need to watch a few seconds of it. Scroll ahead to 3:20 and watch about 5 seconds. http://youtube.com/watch?v=eood0Yh1_ng

This image really stuck in J’s head. I guess J was starting to feel sorry for Mario, although it was kind of hard to tell. I took it upon myself to sit down with Mario and have a heart-to-heart with him to really get to know him. After all, there’s not much time to talk while we’re battling Boswer and his clan.

M: So Mario, here we are. After many years of fighting alongside each other (and others), we finally have a chance to sit down and talk. Tell us about yourself; let us know what makes you tick.
Mario: Um, sure.

M: What’s your favorite food?
Mario: Mushrooms. They make me big. Kind of like how spinach works for Popeye.

M: Interesting. Here’s something that everyone wants to know. What made you leave your plumbing occupation? We hardly ever see you at work.
Mario: Well, have you ever seen a plumbing tool belt on me? It’s very unflattering. Besides, Princess is taking up all my time. You know how it is.

M: Actually, I don’t. Tell us about your relationship with Princess.
Mario: Do I have to? It’s the same as everyone else’s, really. Damsel-in-distress equals knight-in-shining-armor. That’s me. Having to rescue a girl all the time is very time consuming, very exhausting and emotionally draining. Just ask Prince Charming or Shrek. *mutters* Maybe it’s time I traded Yoshi in for a white horse. I gather I’ll be able to travel more efficiently.

M: Tell us about your education.
Mario: Well, I have a BS in Plumbing, an MA in Damsel-Saving and a PhD in Pharmacy.

M: Wow, a pharmacist. What made you decide to go down that path?
Mario: I didn’t want to. Someone thought it would be funny to make me a Doctor and force me supervise millions of people who wanted to play with colored pills. *sigh* Idiots.

M: Tell us about your brother, Luigi. Out of the two of you, who’s older?
Mario: Bah, Luigi? Who cares? I’m the oldest.

M: Where do you two live?
Mario: Um, Brooklyn, New York.

M: One last question, what happened in Wrecking Crew ’98? You seemed like you were in a lot of pain.
Mario: Oh, that. I just stubbed my toe.

There you have it, folks. While Mario is shy and quiet, he can also be a very complex person. I actually think I caught him at a bad time. Word is that Princess just got kidnapped again. Although he claims that he stubbed his toe, J and I know better. See, everyone has to know that when your significant other is always being kidnapped, it’s going put some undue stress on you. It was just a matter of time before Mario snapped.

I offer my heartfelt, sincere apology to Mario and Princess for the undue stress we’ve put them through. I am begging on the behalf of Mario: PLEASE stop kidnapping Princess!