You know you're in Houston if...

You've seen the emails. You've also rolled your eyes at them. I've done the same. But I couldn't resist posting my favorites when it came to Houston...

• The "farm-to-market" roads have seven lanes.
• You have to turn on the air conditioning in January, two days after a low of 29 degrees.
• When you see your neighbor dancing around the front yard, you don't think he's won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes; you know that he just stepped in a fire ant bed.
• You know that the Astrodome will always be the Eighth Wonder of the World.
• You come to work in short sleeves and walk out at noon to find that a "blue norther" has blown through and the temperature has dropped 40 degrees.
• You hear everything but English spoken when you go to the Galleria to window shop (you can't afford to buy because the prices are jacked up for all the foreign tourists).
• Spring is not the season, Katy is not the lady, and 1960 is not the year.
• You can leave your house, head out of town, and an hour later you still haven't left the city limits. During rush-hour, you haven't left your NEIGHBORHOOD.
• You've never seen I-45 and I-10 in any condition other than under construction - and you've lived here for more than 30 years.
• You know that "Clutch City" has nothing to do with automobile transmissions.
• The only REAL Mexican food is Tex-Mex.
• A 747 with the Space Shuttle riding piggyback has actually flown low right overhead, and nobody paid any attention to it.
• You know that while saving you money, "Mattress Mac" has amassed more than the U.S. treasury.
• If the humidity is below 90 percent, it's a GOOD hair day.

And finally... my personal favorite...

• You see nothing unusual about an eighty-something former sheriff's deputy who wears a white pompadour toupee and blue sunglasses, mispronounces names, allows televising of his frequent plastic surgeries, seems unnaturally obsessed with slime in the ice machine, and screams "MAR-VIN ZIND-ler, iiiii-witness news" into a television camera every night. But some folks are still upset with him for shutting down the Chicken Ranch.