Rules of Houston

Another one of my "Houston" favorites.

• You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is "Hue-stun," not "Ewe-stun", or "house-tun" Oh yea, the street is pronounced "San Phil-ee -pay, "not" San Phil-eep"(San Felipe). Enunciate, you idiots!
• Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Houston has its own version of traffic rules...Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.
• All directions start with, "Go down to Loop 610"... which has no beginning and no end.
• The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic... a "Scenic Drive."
• The morning rush hour is from 6:00AM to 10:00AM. The evening rush hour is from 3:00PM to 7:00PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
• If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.
• When you are the first one off the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going, to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.
• Kuykendahl Road can ONLY be pronounced by a native Houstonian.
• Construction on I-10, I-45, US 59 and Loop 610 is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
• All unexplained smells are explained by the phrases, "Oh, we must be in Pasadena!" or "Whew, I hate Baytown!" or "Mmm, smell that Texas City!"
• If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
• All old ladies with blue hair in a pink Cadillac have total right-of-way.
• The minimum acceptable speed on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. In turn, the minimum speed on Westheimer is at least 45mph...
• The wrought iron on windows in east Houston is NOT ornamental.
• Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking, I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. IT'S LEGAL TO CARRY GUNS HERE!!!
• If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 mph in a 60 mph zone, people are not waving when they go by.
• The Sam Houston Toll road is our daily version of NASCAR.
• If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.
• When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to Louisiana.
• If you live in Katy and I live on the south side of Houston we'll never hang out.
• You are always able to be pulled over by any police vehicle, even if you were just given a ticket.
• You don't have to wait for an exit to get off a freeway, just follow the ruts in the grass to the feeder like everyone else. This is how Houston residents notify Texas Department of Transportation where exits should have been built.
• Else-where, they are called frontage roads... Here in Houston, they are called FEEDER roads, so don't look stupid when we say "Exit the feeder road and use the loop-d-loop"